Emo Kid

Dear GOD,

This was just one of those crazy, very human thoughts, okay? Besides, as you can see, i have changed. ;p

xoxo

 

Suicide Pronunciation ‘soo-uh-sahyd’

1.    The act or an instance of intentionally killing oneself.
2.    The destruction or ruin of one’s own interests.
3.    One who commits suicide.

Have you ever thought about actually commiting suicide? And for what reasons?

I have. Twice, I think, during my teenage years… gad, I speak as if that was a lifetime ago… anyway, while most think about ending it because of severe, intolerable depression, I wanted to end it all then simply because I was bored. Bored with life. Bored with the world. i think that is worse than depression… to find that there seems to be nothing left in this lifetime to satiate you, or even at the evry least, be the reason for you to smile.

I had this detailed music video flashing before me each time I close my eyes. My death scene. No, I wouldn’t want my “fading away” to reach the headlines. Nobody wants a well-publicized death. With cameramen trying to get a good view of your colorless, lifeless self? Ugh.

I thought about downing sedatives, those they use on Mental ward patients. 10 milligrams and you’re guaranteed of a cardiac arrest. I thought ten cardiac arrests will be enough to kill me. I thought about wearing my favorite vintage shirt, the one with a silver intricately drawn Phoenix printed on the front. Paired with my favorite pair of faded well worn Levi’s which I dug from the bottom drawers of my mom’s closet, and sneakers. I’d put my hair in pigtails, put on some face poweder and Kiwi flavored lip gloss.

It’s going to be a cold night and it’s slightly drizzly. With the curtains being blown by the wind. I’d have two tall glasses of cold water on my bedside table, and my main suicide paraphernalia: Diazepan.

I thought I’d do it at about 9 pm… I’d put on Sting’s “Fields of Gold”, then I’d stand up, hold a glass of water in one hand, the tablets in the other. And I’d take two tablets at a time, then finish the entire glass. Then lie in bed. And close my eyes. LOL

That was ages ago. I laugh each time I think about that. I didn’t even know how I’m going to score Diazepan. Blame my reading too much Sylvia Plath or Charlotte Bronte… and those junkie memoirs I used to be fond of when I was 15. and grunge music… they sort of made suicide alluring. I always saw beauty in the concept of death but I never thought I’d actually consider suicide at such a young age. And all because I was bored!

I even chose suicide as topic for the very first paper I wrote back in freshman college. And got to interview people who obviously, had unsuccessful suicide attempts. One slashed her wrists, one took 150 Enervon tablets.

It’s funny how I have turned from the bored suicidal teen to the bitchy optimistic young woman that I am now. 🙂

Hello-o, Heaven-o

Seriously, i wrote something here yesterday morning and i wonder where the hell it went? oh well, that should not be something to drone on and on about and hopefully, this new post i’m typing will be posted, finally. so i can get this blog started! woot!

Friday started out bright and sunny and i actually enjoyed my walk to the jeepney stop, with the warm tingly sunshine on my face. it was past 7 am so i didn’t have to worry about skin cancer yet (although i had on moisturizer with spf 30 just to be sure)… anyway, once i’m comfortably seated at work and i looked out the window the sky turned grey and there’s a light drizzle, perfect weather to inspire someone to write, cuddle with that someone, eat champorado or sopas, sleep more, or…uhm, maybe, commit suicide. hey, i’m not being morbid. that’s a sad fact.

what the frack am i talking about, i just wanted to post something to get this blog started and i’m already talking about suicide.

no, i am not suicidal, i am, not even that emotional.

well, who said my first post should be anything substantial and interesting already?

i should think about who i should adress these posts to. it can’t be to a general audience/readership because i don’t have any yet.

maybe i should begin each post with “dear polly”.

okay, that’s a bit…psychotic.

it could be like writing to my best friend, whom we’ll call Stunner (i will explain why i call her such in the coming posts) but… i really don’t intend for her to read this. with the kind of blog i want this to be, i’m sure i’d get seriously chewed. hmmm…

maybe it should be addressed to an enemy? but… i don’t have one. at least, nobody has been given that privilege yet – that someone whom i actually spend some precious seconds thinking about because i loathe him/her? ick.

a crush? okay, male or female? bwa ha ha ha. now we’re getting personal.

hmmm hmmm hmmm…. yes i am typing as i think. and i have now come to this decisiopn that the next posts will be addressed to… God.

Dear God, this blog is not going to be holy. i never claimed to be holy. but i think i do well enough for a human being. don’t worry, i will sincerely ask for forgiveness for each bad word mentioned. promise.

Love,

Polly 😉