The Secret Life

Are you familiar with those thin papaerbacks, around 110 pages or so, sold mostly in the Romance section of bookstores? They have catchy, sometimes mushy titles and strange-amusing-sometimes-unbelievable-yet-interesting teasers/plot synopses. They were mostly written by women with cutesy-girly names, and were often devoured by the younger set (read: high school and college students). I never used to read those books. I was raised on the classics, Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys. I even read JD Salinger and The Art of War (blame my parents’ eclectic book collection) before I was ten. I read the Communist Manifesto by age 12 (beats me why we even have that. Haha!), then i discovered Robert Ludlum, Neil Gaiman’s Sandman series and Anne Rice. I “mellowed” down and read John Grisham by the time I was in college. Then I discovered Paolo Coelho even before everyone started quoting him (thanks to my Literature teacher), then Garcia-Marquez, then Margaret Atwood, who I still love to this day. This literary taste  “evolution” happened all throughout high school and college. And now that I have worked and now doing post grad, I decided I’d collect books one author at a time. At present, I am completing my Patricia Cornwell / Scarpetta series collection. Up next will be John C. Maxwell, Roald Dahl, CS Lewis, and the only “remotely romantic” author that I love, Meg Cabot. (her “adult” novels are super!)

See, I was never really into the romance genre. Sure, I have a few books by Nicolas Sparks (mostly gifts from friends who wanted me to read something “normal” Haha), but I was never the type who would devour them like cookie dough ice cream, much more want to write my own romance novel. But sometime between college, work and post grad, I was introduced to Filipino romance by a dorm mate. She knows the kind of books I read and slowly introduced me to the local novels, making me read those that were of the romantic-comedy type.

I was skeptical at first because even if I have read Filipino novels, none were in Tagalog. It was strange reading narratives and dialogues in Tagalog with a smattering of English here and there. Okay, confession, I WAS one of those who shun away Tagalog pocketbooks (as they are more popularly called) and there was even a time I made fun of them back in college with friends. We would read out loud the corny titles and giggle like idiots. Well, it was easy to laugh at the genre because the plots were mostly of the Cinderella, poor girl meets rich guy, Romeo and Juliet, really sappy, contrived and bordering on the ridiculous types.

But the one that my room mate made me read was very well-written. The writer was smart and witty, the characters and situations were believable and yet she told the story in such an engaging way that before I know it, I was already done with the book and was asking my room mate for more! I cannot mention the name of the author/s that I read then because they’re from another publication 😉 But those authors’ knack for telling smart, amusing and feel-good romance stories changed my mind about the genre.

Tagalog pocketbooks aren’t so baduy after all.

Even then, that room mate already encouraged me to write. But since I was busy I never had the cahnce to finish a single story. There were probably seven novels that were stashed in my email accounts and I never really gave a thought about finishing them. Then I became very sick, had to quit work to rest, undergo treatments and pretty much follow doc’s advise, and on one time that I just really needed the cash so I won’t miss out on check ups and support my medical expenses, I was encouraged by two dear friends, who were already romance authors from ‘that’ publication, that I try my hand at writing.

Back then (this was a year or so ago), they’ve already started writing for this new publication, which was a new venture of a company that was into distributing second hand books and printing. I took one of my unfiinished stories and began finishing the remaining chapters. I was done within two weeks, and had the result and check two more weeks after. I never really expected the story would get approved. I am very critical of my own writing. But my very first romance novel in Popular Tagalog (about 60-70% Tagalog, the rest in English) made it! Yaya! The only comment and minor revision I had to work on though was.. well, there were more stuff written in english than in Tagalog, so I had to translate some parts. Which, due to my excitement, i was able to finish in about three hours before submitting it again. Hehe 😉

My first book was part of the roster  that made up the maiden release of  Chapters of the Heart romances. I had two more titles that came out after, another one will be available within the next few days. Two more are already lined up for February, and well, more are coming up.

In many ways, since I am still unable to work because of my poor health, romance writing helped me a lot. It also rekindled my passion for creating and writing stories, which temporarily took a backseat. I didn’t even know I have a few romantic bones in me. And yes, I definitely stayed away from the Cinderella plots. I wouldn’t say there is a particular tyep of story that I am more inclined to write, though. However, I try to make each story as realistic as possible, with just the right touch of humor, and of course, inspiration.

I stay away from graphic sex scenes as well. In fact, my novels don’t have sex sceens at all. At least, not the graphic, explicitly worded type. I have nothing against novels or writers who have those kind of scenes in their novels. It’s just that, it’s something I cannot do. I will leave fiery passionate love scenes to the veterans and really god writers, I guess. I just don;t think i can do a good job writing love scenes. Haha 😉

So there, I write romance novels.Few people know that I do. Or at least, msot don’t really know what my author name is. Or that I am the oen behind ‘that’ author name. Haha.  Hey, I guess I would like to keep it that way somehow. Maybe i will “come out” when I already have at least 10 books out in stores, and I know at least 50 people who actually buy my stuff. Aside from my friends 😉

I Need A Hero

I have been following the CJ Corona impeachment trial since last week. We’re just on day 7 now, and no matter what both the defense and prosecution about their advantage / edge over the other, I still think that at this point, it is still early to tell. What is telling though, is how the congressmen-prosecutors are onviously quite clueless about trial proceedings. Much as they deny it, they were often caught unprepared. Heck, they do not even know what questions to ask or how to ask them according to procedure, or in such a way that will not compromise the rights of the one being impeached (or accused. They seem to forget that even hardened criminals have rights. tsk) I laughed out loud when one congressman prosecutor even told the presiding officer judge to be “flexible” and “liberal” in questioning the witnesses they presented. Hello?

They’re lucky the senator judges really just want to get this over and done with, and are doing their best to be as objective as possible. Last week it was a couple of senators who was able to make one witness bring out some very important documents. Yesterday it was another senator, who’s an expert in tax issues, who asked the questions since the witness being questioned is the Internal Revenue commisioner. But how long can the prosecution push their luck?

They had the Chritsmas break and long weekends to study and prepare for the case, what the hell is going on?

I can only hope that in the coming days, they won’t be singing this song anymore.

okay, the real title of the song is “Holding Out for A Hero” 😉

The One That Got Away

A few years ago, I was trying to write a novel to be submitted to this local publication. I was outlining the story then. But I became too busy with school I forgot all about it. Found this file recently and realized i was never able to write an outline for that still untitled story, but this…thingie. Haha! While reading, I can hear Katy Perry’s song playing my neighbor’s stereo. Hence, the title. 😉

I have heard a lot about him even before we were formally introduced almost two years ago. All the nicest things that can be said of a young man that could impress any self-respecting woman poured out from her lips as naturally as she would sing a song. It was obvious she adored him. But one thing she didn’t gave that much detail about was how gorgeous he was. A great guy with good looks, how’s that? I was physically attracted. Yes that I have to admit. And most likely, that’s something most girls who have seen and met him would shamelessly admit as well. It was easy to fall for the guy. 

We kept in contact since we met. He would call, send text messages and emails. I thought nothing of it, I honestly thought he was into her. That’s why maybe he’s trying to get to know and win her friends over. We’d see each other during parties, and would eventually realize that aside from her we actually know a lot of people in common. He’s even good friends with two of my school buddies. So it was easy to just bump into him, wherever.  

I never paid attention to the way he would look at me. Maybe he was just that type of person, who likes observing people. I have to admit though, that those looks affected me in ways. Sometimes I’m unnerved, other times I’m flattered, each coupled with wonderment. Any woman with the tiniest amount of sensitivity in her would know, and feel; there’s something there. I don’t know why I even care. Maybe it’s curiosity. Or maybe he’s doing wonders with my ego. He actually makes me feel beautiful. He would look at me like I’m the hottest girl in the room. Jeez. 

But he’s into her, right? Who’s like, way hot, gorgeous, just effortlessly beautiful? And amazing and all that. So I dismissed all strange thoughts and just focused on being a friend to him. After all, he’s a pretty good one. He’s one of those who’s probably mastered the art of knowing when to listen and when to talk. He’s kind. He’s broad-minded. He’s funny too. 

It could’ve been easy to fall for him. I could’ve fallen for him within weeks of meeting and knowing him. But I did not. Or maybe I just held back? I don’t know. 

Until that night happened. After moments of awkward silences, he finally said the words. Not that he’s fallen for me, but he loves me. I thought the world stopped at the very moment I heard those words. This must be some sick joke, or I’m having hearing trouble. But he said it again, and I just said goodnight.

It happened on a weekend and his confession made me restless. I know I feel something for him but I’m not sure that’s enough to pursue anything, to even start anything with him. He loves me, my gosh. What do I say to that?  After hours of thinking, self-analyzing, pacing back and forth till my dog barked at me because he’s probably getting dizzy following me around. I arrived at a decision. I had to talk to him. Alone.  

Our supposed first date. My very first date in my entire freakin’ life, ever, and I was out to break someone’s heart. 

I told him what a great guy he was, how gorgeous he was, what an amazing, wonderful individual he is. And that it’s so darn easy to love him. I know it’s easy for me to love him. But I can’t. I don’t want to. I am not ready. And whatever he has for me, I do not deserve it. I’ve never seen anyone look so pained and distraught. I know he knows I like him. I am that obvious. But I’m fighting it. Simply because I am one emotionally messed up bitch.  

He said he’s not asking for anything. He’s willing to wait. I said I am not worth waiting for. He said who am I to say that? Why do I even say that?Because I cannot give you a guarantee that I will eventually love you. He said it doesn’t matter, he will wait. Who am I to stop him?  

After that we lost communication. We were both busy with stuff. But before the year ended we started seeing each other again in parties. Besides, he’s still working with her. A lot of times whenever I’d see them standing next to each other I’d wish it was her he told those words to, and not me. There’s a woman who will gladly have his love. A beautiful, amazing, remarkable one. That’s what he deserves and not me. 

But he would still look at me like that, and he eventually resumed being the nice, adoring guy that he was. He’s willing to wait, he reminded me. But after a couple of months, my conscience just couldn’t take it anymore. I do not like making anyone hope for something that is not certain. I simply cannot do that to him. It was so uncharacteristic of me to do it, but I had to. 

For the second time, I told him, I’m not worth it. But this time, I told him to give up, stop, and give his love to someone else. Someone more deserving.  I do not want him to waste time holding on to something I’m not sure I can give. 

Okay, so I’ve been harsh. I intended to be. I just had to do that. It worked. I never saw or heard about him since the year ended. Until the middle of last month. I knew I was going to see him. But before going to that event where he was, I saw “The Lake House” with her, the friend who introduced me to him. It was super spontaneous. We were excited to see the film and planned on seeing it on a weekend but on the opening day we just couldn’t take it anymore we decided to meet in the mall and watch it. So we did. I would often tell people about how lovely the film was, but never really said anything about how it affected me. Man, the whole thing was about waiting. The Alex character reminded me of that person who was willing to wait, who was unabashed in showing what he felt about me. Who made me feel things I never thought I’d feel. Who showed me what it’s like to be loved. It wasn’t like a moment of regret; I simply realized how fortunate I have been to have someone like that. 

That realization did not make me ready for anything, but it sure made me want to be. I guess I had a different take on love after seeing the film. So I thought since I’m going to see him that night, I’d try and make it up to him. I have been a bitch I know. 

And so we saw each other again, but he was civil, a bit awkward. I wold catch him looking at me at some instances, a lot of time I so wanted to approach me but I was busy with other friends.  What I noticed though, was how he would look at her, my friend. It’s different. And yet its’ familiar. 

Because it was how he would look at me before. 

And she would look at him in a way he so deserved to be looked at. 

Could there be something there? Part of me was hoping, wishing there must be. Part of me is skeptical. A bit unaccepting. 

Maybe it was my ego. Or maybe, that moment, I was actually having regrets.  

Because, you know, before that, I was thinking about asking him to go see The Lake House with me, and introduce him to the Alex character. 

After that night, I knew, there’s no way that’s gonna happen. Ever. 

Yes, I was sad, and disappointed.  Weeks after, she told me they saw TLH together. It was a slip. She wasn’t supposed to tell anybody. But she was so excited cuz she loved the film. When asked what’s going on, she said nothing. I didn’t believe her. She said nothing should go on.  

And then she told me about what she knew about the guy and me. And so on. I told her those aren’t important anymore, because I knew he’s found someone more deserving, and it’s her. She said no.  

She’s really just friends with, and even years older than him, for god’s sake! But it’s obvious she’s struggling, there’s something there. But like me, she’s also not willing to give herself, and that guy, a chance. There isn’t supposed to be anything, she said. Much as she hates it, she had to hold back. It’s not just the age and friendship issues. It’s the priorities. She’s at that point where, she wants permanence. That means settling down. He is young, he should enjoy more. I don’t want to deprive him that by being with me, she said. 

She had to keep things in control. She cannot allow herself to give in.  

While she’s saying those, I can see the pain in her eyes. The struggle. She loves him, but she cannot do it. She’ll let him go. It’s going to be tough because they work together. I wonder how she’ll do it. Maybe do it the way I did. It’s awful. I don’t even know why I’m writing about this. To be honest, yes. I wish I can offer him comfort. But that’s ridiculous. What, after telling him to get out of my life I’d suddenly be back in his and be a friend? Things just don’t work that way. It takes time.  

Thing is, I wish I were braver to take that leap of faith and allow myself to be loved.  But yes, I am scared. I’m cold, I’m selfish. I want things to be perfect. And with committing myself to anyone, there’s no guarantee things will work my way all the time. So there. I wonder what happened to him and her. I’m bound to know soon. I’m hoping she changed her mind.  

Unlike me who cannot even give a straight answer, she can offer him something solid. She loves him.  

And he loves her.  

 

Tina Fey’s Prayer

From her books Bossypants, this part had me in stitches. But, it could be any sane mother’s prayer for sure.

 

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

”My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.”

 

 

 

Date a Girl who Reads

Found this in a blog called NOVELR (Google it!) ages ago but I didn’t have the chance to share it then. So here it is, the text in parenthesis are mine. If you’re also a GIRL WHO READS (and writes) then by all means, copy, paste, insert your own side comments and share! 🙂

“Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. (ME = Guilty! :-))Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.(Again, guilty! I always have two books actually – my Bible and another which is most likely bought from a secondhand bookshop)She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.(Oh-kay, so we’re freaks like that. LOL)

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.(I think this is really sweet. It takes a lot to actually consent to being ignored because someone’s too focused on a book :-p)

Let her know what you really think of Murakami.(Murakami is an aquired taste. It takes awhile to get the hang of the style and imagery. Sputnik Sweetheart did it for me :-))See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent.(Personally though, I wouldn’t go so far as saying I read AND understand something I really didn’t. I can’t fake intellect that way :-p)Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.(I love the Red Queen :-p)

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries.(Yes, please :-)) Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. (Check. Anything from my still incomplete Fiction/By Author collections na lang. Ask me! Hehe :-))Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world. (Nope, sorry. Lying is a deal breaker for me :-))

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.(Okay, just up to a certain degree and limit. I am also not that patient. We may love and enjoy a little drama here and there but Girls who read are not idiots.)

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.(If a guy tells me he likes these books, I will find a mirror real fast and check if I have been mistaken for a boy again. A guy who can provide spirited discourse on Bella, Edward and Jacob is way up there in the category of guys who say “Bora”, “Thingie” and “Work-out tayo, Dude”. Minus 50 pogi/macho points, pards.)

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.(So true.)

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.(Hehehe)

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes.(I would love this :-))She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. (Definitely! And name future pets after them, too. Haha) You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.(These moments are reserved for the truly worthy.)

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes. (I concur :-))”

I have always been drawn to the intellectual, bookworm types, the kind who can quote from books they’ve read and willingly discuss what they really thought of what they’ve just read. So, it’s a wonder how at one point not too long ago I actually was involved with someone who maybe considerably smart but doesn’t read much, and therefore never quite understood my passion for books, and never appreciated my need to write, even if a good part of what I wrote during that period was for/about him.

Anyway, I think men who like to read are hot. You girls can have the hunks and the super-sikat celebrities, but I prefer those who, for example, either has a deep appreciation for Neil Gaiman or can devour John C. Maxwell books along with his System Engineering tomes. (so can anyone guess who might be on my mind here? Haha). There’s something cute and endearing about a man who suddenly inserts a hifalutin big word while you’re comparing Cadbury or Oreo McFlurries, or randomly mentions something from a book he read while you beat the rush hour traffic by playing license plate poker.

Someone like that’s hard to come by these days, though. Buti na lang, books are aplenty pa rin. 🙂

Love is…

I wouldn’t claim, ever, that I can understand everything Margaret Attwood wrote, but this one’s from my favorite Cta’s Eye 😉

“Love is obsession, with undertones of nausea.”

that is what’s love supposed to be, and i tell myself that like a mantra. I repeat the words to myself fervently. I feel its harshness from the hot air coming out of my mouth as i utter each syllable. Coarse and hot as the sun at midday.

I think about my soles burning…

Daytime strolls under the sun, so seductively sweet, peeling my skin.

I’ll paint an ugly image of burnt soles… with hopes that it will drive away any thought of you.

You, in all your god-like glory.

Advice and Reminders

Chocolate resistance is futile: 50 Lessons For Life’s Little Detours

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this matter?”

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative – dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.