The One That Got Away

A few years ago, I was trying to write a novel to be submitted to this local publication. I was outlining the story then. But I became too busy with school I forgot all about it. Found this file recently and realized i was never able to write an outline for that still untitled story, but this…thingie. Haha! While reading, I can hear Katy Perry’s song playing my neighbor’s stereo. Hence, the title. 😉

I have heard a lot about him even before we were formally introduced almost two years ago. All the nicest things that can be said of a young man that could impress any self-respecting woman poured out from her lips as naturally as she would sing a song. It was obvious she adored him. But one thing she didn’t gave that much detail about was how gorgeous he was. A great guy with good looks, how’s that? I was physically attracted. Yes that I have to admit. And most likely, that’s something most girls who have seen and met him would shamelessly admit as well. It was easy to fall for the guy. 

We kept in contact since we met. He would call, send text messages and emails. I thought nothing of it, I honestly thought he was into her. That’s why maybe he’s trying to get to know and win her friends over. We’d see each other during parties, and would eventually realize that aside from her we actually know a lot of people in common. He’s even good friends with two of my school buddies. So it was easy to just bump into him, wherever.  

I never paid attention to the way he would look at me. Maybe he was just that type of person, who likes observing people. I have to admit though, that those looks affected me in ways. Sometimes I’m unnerved, other times I’m flattered, each coupled with wonderment. Any woman with the tiniest amount of sensitivity in her would know, and feel; there’s something there. I don’t know why I even care. Maybe it’s curiosity. Or maybe he’s doing wonders with my ego. He actually makes me feel beautiful. He would look at me like I’m the hottest girl in the room. Jeez. 

But he’s into her, right? Who’s like, way hot, gorgeous, just effortlessly beautiful? And amazing and all that. So I dismissed all strange thoughts and just focused on being a friend to him. After all, he’s a pretty good one. He’s one of those who’s probably mastered the art of knowing when to listen and when to talk. He’s kind. He’s broad-minded. He’s funny too. 

It could’ve been easy to fall for him. I could’ve fallen for him within weeks of meeting and knowing him. But I did not. Or maybe I just held back? I don’t know. 

Until that night happened. After moments of awkward silences, he finally said the words. Not that he’s fallen for me, but he loves me. I thought the world stopped at the very moment I heard those words. This must be some sick joke, or I’m having hearing trouble. But he said it again, and I just said goodnight.

It happened on a weekend and his confession made me restless. I know I feel something for him but I’m not sure that’s enough to pursue anything, to even start anything with him. He loves me, my gosh. What do I say to that?  After hours of thinking, self-analyzing, pacing back and forth till my dog barked at me because he’s probably getting dizzy following me around. I arrived at a decision. I had to talk to him. Alone.  

Our supposed first date. My very first date in my entire freakin’ life, ever, and I was out to break someone’s heart. 

I told him what a great guy he was, how gorgeous he was, what an amazing, wonderful individual he is. And that it’s so darn easy to love him. I know it’s easy for me to love him. But I can’t. I don’t want to. I am not ready. And whatever he has for me, I do not deserve it. I’ve never seen anyone look so pained and distraught. I know he knows I like him. I am that obvious. But I’m fighting it. Simply because I am one emotionally messed up bitch.  

He said he’s not asking for anything. He’s willing to wait. I said I am not worth waiting for. He said who am I to say that? Why do I even say that?Because I cannot give you a guarantee that I will eventually love you. He said it doesn’t matter, he will wait. Who am I to stop him?  

After that we lost communication. We were both busy with stuff. But before the year ended we started seeing each other again in parties. Besides, he’s still working with her. A lot of times whenever I’d see them standing next to each other I’d wish it was her he told those words to, and not me. There’s a woman who will gladly have his love. A beautiful, amazing, remarkable one. That’s what he deserves and not me. 

But he would still look at me like that, and he eventually resumed being the nice, adoring guy that he was. He’s willing to wait, he reminded me. But after a couple of months, my conscience just couldn’t take it anymore. I do not like making anyone hope for something that is not certain. I simply cannot do that to him. It was so uncharacteristic of me to do it, but I had to. 

For the second time, I told him, I’m not worth it. But this time, I told him to give up, stop, and give his love to someone else. Someone more deserving.  I do not want him to waste time holding on to something I’m not sure I can give. 

Okay, so I’ve been harsh. I intended to be. I just had to do that. It worked. I never saw or heard about him since the year ended. Until the middle of last month. I knew I was going to see him. But before going to that event where he was, I saw “The Lake House” with her, the friend who introduced me to him. It was super spontaneous. We were excited to see the film and planned on seeing it on a weekend but on the opening day we just couldn’t take it anymore we decided to meet in the mall and watch it. So we did. I would often tell people about how lovely the film was, but never really said anything about how it affected me. Man, the whole thing was about waiting. The Alex character reminded me of that person who was willing to wait, who was unabashed in showing what he felt about me. Who made me feel things I never thought I’d feel. Who showed me what it’s like to be loved. It wasn’t like a moment of regret; I simply realized how fortunate I have been to have someone like that. 

That realization did not make me ready for anything, but it sure made me want to be. I guess I had a different take on love after seeing the film. So I thought since I’m going to see him that night, I’d try and make it up to him. I have been a bitch I know. 

And so we saw each other again, but he was civil, a bit awkward. I wold catch him looking at me at some instances, a lot of time I so wanted to approach me but I was busy with other friends.  What I noticed though, was how he would look at her, my friend. It’s different. And yet its’ familiar. 

Because it was how he would look at me before. 

And she would look at him in a way he so deserved to be looked at. 

Could there be something there? Part of me was hoping, wishing there must be. Part of me is skeptical. A bit unaccepting. 

Maybe it was my ego. Or maybe, that moment, I was actually having regrets.  

Because, you know, before that, I was thinking about asking him to go see The Lake House with me, and introduce him to the Alex character. 

After that night, I knew, there’s no way that’s gonna happen. Ever. 

Yes, I was sad, and disappointed.  Weeks after, she told me they saw TLH together. It was a slip. She wasn’t supposed to tell anybody. But she was so excited cuz she loved the film. When asked what’s going on, she said nothing. I didn’t believe her. She said nothing should go on.  

And then she told me about what she knew about the guy and me. And so on. I told her those aren’t important anymore, because I knew he’s found someone more deserving, and it’s her. She said no.  

She’s really just friends with, and even years older than him, for god’s sake! But it’s obvious she’s struggling, there’s something there. But like me, she’s also not willing to give herself, and that guy, a chance. There isn’t supposed to be anything, she said. Much as she hates it, she had to hold back. It’s not just the age and friendship issues. It’s the priorities. She’s at that point where, she wants permanence. That means settling down. He is young, he should enjoy more. I don’t want to deprive him that by being with me, she said. 

She had to keep things in control. She cannot allow herself to give in.  

While she’s saying those, I can see the pain in her eyes. The struggle. She loves him, but she cannot do it. She’ll let him go. It’s going to be tough because they work together. I wonder how she’ll do it. Maybe do it the way I did. It’s awful. I don’t even know why I’m writing about this. To be honest, yes. I wish I can offer him comfort. But that’s ridiculous. What, after telling him to get out of my life I’d suddenly be back in his and be a friend? Things just don’t work that way. It takes time.  

Thing is, I wish I were braver to take that leap of faith and allow myself to be loved.  But yes, I am scared. I’m cold, I’m selfish. I want things to be perfect. And with committing myself to anyone, there’s no guarantee things will work my way all the time. So there. I wonder what happened to him and her. I’m bound to know soon. I’m hoping she changed her mind.  

Unlike me who cannot even give a straight answer, she can offer him something solid. She loves him.  

And he loves her.  

 

Tina Fey’s Prayer

From her books Bossypants, this part had me in stitches. But, it could be any sane mother’s prayer for sure.

 

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

”My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.”