A few years ago, I was trying to write a novel to be submitted to this local publication. I was outlining the story then. But I became too busy with school I forgot all about it. Found this file recently and realized i was never able to write an outline for that still untitled story, but this…thingie. Haha! While reading, I can hear Katy Perry’s song playing my neighbor’s stereo. Hence, the title. š
I have heard a lot about him even before we were formally introduced almost two years ago. All the nicest things that can be said of a young man that could impress any self-respecting woman poured out from her lips as naturally as she would sing a song. It was obvious she adored him. But one thing she didnāt gave that much detail about was how gorgeous he was. A great guy with good looks, howās that? I was physically attracted. Yes that I have to admit. And most likely, thatās something most girls who have seen and met him would shamelessly admit as well. It was easy to fall for the guy.Ā
We kept in contact since we met. He would call, send text messages and emails. I thought nothing of it, I honestly thought he was into her. Thatās why maybe heās trying to get to know and win her friends over. Weād see each other during parties, and would eventually realize that aside from her we actually know a lot of people in common. Heās even good friends with two of my school buddies. So it was easy to just bump into him, wherever. Ā
I never paid attention to the way he would look at me. Maybe he was just that type of person, who likes observing people. I have to admit though, that those looks affected me in ways. Sometimes Iām unnerved, other times Iām flattered, each coupled with wonderment. Any woman with the tiniest amount of sensitivity in her would know, and feel; thereās something there. I donāt know why I even care. Maybe itās curiosity. Or maybe heās doing wonders with my ego. He actually makes me feel beautiful. He would look at me like Iām the hottest girl in the room. Jeez.Ā
But heās into her, right? Whoās like, way hot, gorgeous, just effortlessly beautiful? And amazing and all that. So I dismissed all strange thoughts and just focused on being a friend to him. After all, heās a pretty good one. Heās one of those whoās probably mastered the art of knowing when to listen and when to talk. Heās kind. Heās broad-minded. Heās funny too.Ā
It couldāve been easy to fall for him. I couldāve fallen for him within weeks of meeting and knowing him. But I did not. Or maybe I just held back? I donāt know.Ā
Until that night happened. After moments of awkward silences, he finally said the words. Not that heās fallen for me, but he loves me. I thought the world stopped at the very moment I heard those words. This must be some sick joke, or Iām having hearing trouble. But he said it again, and I just said goodnight.
It happened on a weekend and his confession made me restless. I know I feel something for him but Iām not sure thatās enough to pursue anything, to even start anything with him. He loves me, my gosh. What do I say to that?Ā After hours of thinking, self-analyzing, pacing back and forth till my dog barked at me because heās probably getting dizzy following me around. I arrived at a decision. I had to talk to him. Alone. Ā
Our supposed first date. My very first date in my entire freakinā life, ever, and I was out to break someoneās heart.Ā
I told him what a great guy he was, how gorgeous he was, what an amazing, wonderful individual he is. And that itās so darn easy to love him. I know itās easy for me to love him. But I canāt. I donāt want to. I am not ready. And whatever he has for me, I do not deserve it. Iāve never seen anyone look so pained and distraught. I know he knows I like him. I am that obvious. But Iām fighting it. Simply because I am one emotionally messed up bitch.Ā Ā
He said heās not asking for anything. Heās willing to wait. I said I am not worth waiting for. He said who am I to say that? Why do I even say that?Because I cannot give you a guarantee that I will eventually love you. He said it doesnāt matter, he will wait. Who am I to stop him? Ā
After that we lost communication. We were both busy with stuff. But before the year ended we started seeing each other again in parties. Besides, heās still working with her. A lot of times whenever Iād see them standing next to each other Iād wish it was her he told those words to, and not me. Thereās a woman who will gladly have his love. A beautiful, amazing, remarkable one. Thatās what he deserves and not me.Ā
But he would still look at me like that, and he eventually resumed being the nice, adoring guy that he was. Heās willing to wait, he reminded me. But after a couple of months, my conscience just couldnāt take it anymore. I do not like making anyone hope for something that is not certain. I simply cannot do that to him. It was so uncharacteristic of me to do it, but I had to.Ā
For the second time, I told him, Iām not worth it. But this time, I told him to give up, stop, and give his love to someone else. Someone more deserving.Ā I do not want him to waste time holding on to something Iām not sure I can give.Ā
Okay, so Iāve been harsh. I intended to be. I just had to do that. It worked. I never saw or heard about him since the year ended. Until the middle of last month. I knew I was going to see him. But before going to that event where he was, I saw āThe Lake Houseā with her, the friend who introduced me to him. It was super spontaneous. We were excited to see the film and planned on seeing it on a weekend but on the opening day we just couldnāt take it anymore we decided to meet in the mall and watch it. So we did. I would often tell people about how lovely the film was, but never really said anything about how it affected me. Man, the whole thing was about waiting. The Alex character reminded me of that person who was willing to wait, who was unabashed in showing what he felt about me. Who made me feel things I never thought Iād feel. Who showed me what itās like to be loved. It wasnāt like a moment of regret; I simply realized how fortunate I have been to have someone like that.Ā
That realization did not make me ready for anything, but it sure made me want to be. I guess I had a different take on love after seeing the film. So I thought since Iām going to see him that night, Iād try and make it up to him. I have been a bitch I know.Ā
And so we saw each other again, but he was civil, a bit awkward. I wold catch him looking at me at some instances, a lot of time I so wanted to approach me but I was busy with other friends.Ā What I noticed though, was how he would look at her, my friend. Itās different. And yet itsā familiar.Ā
Because it was how he would look at me before.Ā
And she would look at him in a way he so deserved to be looked at.Ā
Could there be something there? Part of me was hoping, wishing there must be. Part of me is skeptical. A bit unaccepting.Ā
Maybe it was my ego. Or maybe, that moment, I was actually having regrets. Ā
Because, you know, before that, I was thinking about asking him to go see The Lake House with me, and introduce him to the Alex character.Ā
After that night, I knew, thereās no way thatās gonna happen. Ever.Ā
Yes, I was sad, and disappointed. Ā Weeks after, she told me they saw TLH together. It was a slip. She wasnāt supposed to tell anybody. But she was so excited cuz she loved the film. When asked whatās going on, she said nothing. I didnāt believe her. She said nothing should go on. Ā
And then she told me about what she knew about the guy and me. And so on. I told her those arenāt important anymore, because I knew heās found someone more deserving, and itās her. She said no. Ā
Sheās really just friends with, and even years older than him, for godās sake! But itās obvious sheās struggling, thereās something there. But like me, sheās also not willing to give herself, and that guy, a chance. There isnāt supposed to be anything, she said. Much as she hates it, she had to hold back. Itās not just the age and friendship issues. Itās the priorities. Sheās at that point where, she wants permanence. That means settling down. He is young, he should enjoy more. I donāt want to deprive him that by being with me, she said.Ā
She had to keep things in control. She cannot allow herself to give in. Ā
While sheās saying those, I can see the pain in her eyes. The struggle. She loves him, but she cannot do it. Sheāll let him go. Itās going to be tough because they work together. I wonder how sheāll do it. Maybe do it the way I did.Ā Itās awful. I donāt even know why Iām writing about this. To be honest, yes. I wish I can offer him comfort. But thatās ridiculous. What, after telling him to get out of my life Iād suddenly be back in his and be a friend? Things just donāt work that way. It takes time. Ā
Thing is, I wish I were braver to take that leap of faith and allow myself to be loved.Ā But yes, I am scared. Iām cold, Iām selfish. I want things to be perfect. And with committing myself to anyone, thereās no guarantee things will work my way all the time. So there.Ā I wonder what happened to him and her. Iām bound to know soon. Iām hoping she changed her mind. Ā
Unlike me who cannot even give a straight answer, she can offer him something solid. She loves him. Ā
And he loves her. Ā
Ā